Being Desi

I’ve been working furiously on a screenplay for Ekta Kapoor. She does not know it yet, though – but I’m sure she will be bowled over. I’ve titled it as ‘Bade Kachche Lagte Hai’. Here is the story so far.

Cut to Canada. There is a young Videshi Deshi – let’s call him V.D. (Did you think of a particular disease? Good.) Now, V.D. has the Sooraj Barjatya upbringing – devoted to parents and all. I mean the devotion borders on psychotic disorder. Ah! Here is a twist. See secretly-secretly no, V.D. hates his parents. In movies they show parents as doting ...going on saying ‘mera laadla’ and all that no – V.D.’s parents are like that only – only thing is they are more manipulative than all the psychopaths of the world put together.

One day, V.D. is sleeping, you know – chilling out so to speak. When he wakes up after that refreshing nap – his Ma hands over the chai. V.D. is still groggy when his Pa comes over and says ‘Mubarak ho beta, teri shaadi pakki ho gayi – hum zubaan de chuke hai.’ (Congrats, son! Your wedding has been fixed, we’ve given our word ). So V.D. kind of slurps the chai and thinks WTF but does not say anything.

Months later, he’s still groggy and he’s still thinking WTF WTF WTF WTF even as he flies down to India, takes the saath pheres and is officially, legally married. He flies home alone – you know his wife does not have a visa.

After he reaches home, the grogginess leaves him. He is now alert. WTF he thinks. ‘How on earth did I land up married to whatshername?’ he ponders. Six months down the line, he’s still not processed the visa for his wife. He does not love her. He does not want her. But he does not tell her. He keeps her waiting. His parents are coaxing him to apply for the visa for bahurani. Manipulative satans – how dare they force him to apply visa for his wife? How dare they expect him to live with his wife?

So he does the dilly dally act. He hopes his wife will take the hint and leave him – but she is surprisingly dense. He then tells the wife about how evil his parents are – and how her life will be ruined if she comes to Canada – how his mother will ill-treat her and how she will have to live in a basement flat which is being specially, luxuriously done up for the new couple. Surely, she will then get cold feet and ask for divorce. Then it won’t be his fault at all – wife will run away from him, and his parents also will feel sorry for him – who will not feel sorry for a guy whose wife left him? But here is another twist. The wife shrugs her shoulders and thinks it is okay to go ahead – she wants to start living her married life, and face all problems along with her husband, shoulder to shoulder. WTF V.D. thinks. How dare his wife says she wants to live with him? Chi! Typical desi upbringing – all needy and clingy.

So he hatches a plot. If his parents force him too much, and his wife also insists on staying with him – he will run away. Yes, cut off all contacts – he can’t take this pressure. I mean the audience can see his plight right – poor V.D. Manipulative parents and a wife who is willing to support him and stand by him. So clingy no?

I am yet to write the ending for this. But you know, this is based on true events – you can read about this case here and here.

As I read through this V.D.’s account, the brow creased and the tongue issued some choice expletives. But when I saw the words ‘typical desi– needy and clingy’ – OUCH. I took it personally.

You see, I am a desi. And I’ve had a desi upbringing. As desi as it can get. My parents are desis. My grandparents are desis. Hell everyone in my family is a desi. And there is nothing wrong with my upbringing, thank you very much.

You see at the core of my desi upbringing is the essence of independence. Independence of thought, word and action. I was certainly advised but ultimately – it was always MY decision in all matters relating to MY life. I was taught to take responsibility for my actions and decisions, and face consequences, good or bad, with dignity.

My desi upbringing also emphasised on education. The extent of my education was limited by my own interest, and not by my gender.

My desi upbringing taught me the importance of relationships. It taught me the importance of retaining individuality while in a relationship. It taught me the importance of respecting another person’s individuality while in a relationship. It taught me to deal with conflicting emotions rationally. It taught me never to lose sight of my self-respect and dignity – no matter how important the relationship was.

My desi upbringing allowed me to fall in love, break my heart, pick up the pieces, fall in love again and marry the man I love.

My desi upbringing taught me the difference between being respectful and being servile.

My desi upbringing taught me when to sacrifice, when to compromise, when to hold on, when to let go.

My desi upbringing taught me when to shut up and when to speak up.

My desi upbringing taught me when to kiss and when to kick ass.

Above all, my desi upbringing made me a complete individual.

And this is true of all my friends – who’ve all had such ‘Desi upbringing’.

So why does ‘desi’ conjure up such negative images? Weak, whiny women and chauvinistic men? You see we have reached a sad state of affairs where ‘desi’ has become a synonym to ‘patriarchy’. Patriarchy is a societal system where a male holds authority. The male figurehead controls money, property, the family members and their lives. Ancestral inheritance always goes to male offsprings. Under patriarchy women have regressive roles, and are never seen as individuals in their own right. Quite naturally, children (be it boys or girls) with patriarchal upbringing grow up to be insecure, incomplete adults with skewed views on gender roles.

At the end of the day, there are only two kinds of parenting really – the good and the bad. Good parenting allows the child to grow into a responsible adult, with moderate – liberal tolerance to diversity, strong sense of independence and self respect, ability to change opinions based on new experiences, and a very ethical, moral sense of judgement.

Bad parenting does the opposite. The children grow up to be intolerant adults. They have very closed views on just about everything. They are highly insecure, afraid to speak their minds, jump into negative judgements about others, cannot handle conflicting opinions elegantly and always seek to palm off responsibility. They have no sense of individual boundary – and cannot distinguish between their roles as offspring, spouse, parent etc. They also have a very weak moral compass.

The ‘causes’ of good parenting is always the same all over the world – sensible parents who respect children as individuals. Good parenting is not dependent on nationality, economic status or educational qualification of the parents.

Bad parenting on the other hand, has many contributing factors. Substance abuse, emotionally unstable parents – and yes; patriarchy or matriarchy or any family/feudal/societal system that focuses more on control than on individual rights.

In the ridiculous drama that you read at the beginning of this blog, V.D., despicable as he is; is the product of bad patriarchal parenting – where control has taken the centre stage. If what he says is true, his parents are so blind in their need to control that they’ve not realized the abuse their son has endured all through his life. He has now become an adult incapable of controlling his life, taking his own decisions and living with honour. His wife too is the product of patriarchy. Her life is even more pathetic because she is considered as piece of furniture – who was first ‘maintained’ in the parents’ house – and who will now be shifted to the husband’s house for his use.

When someone with ‘desi upbringing’ such as mine, enters into a relationship with a person with a patriarchal outlook – quite naturally the relationship is doomed from the start. The strong sense of independence is interpreted as arrogance and ‘inability to adjust’ ...in other words, the frustration starts when the patriarchal person cannot gain control of you and your life.

From now on, whenever you see a fellow Indian with all the negative traits – gaslighting, aggressive on account of gender, submissive on account of gender, has no sense of personal space or freedom – please don’t call it ‘desi upbringing’. Call it patriarchal upbringing for that is what it is. Using the phrase ‘desi upbringing’ when you actually mean screwed up patriarchal upbringing, is actually an insult to the many desi parents who have done a spectacular job of raising level-headed, well-adjusted children.

In other words, I am no different from an american, a brit, a german, a Japanese etc. who is the result of good upbringing such as mine. My desi-ness is in my day-to-day life – in my religious beliefs and practices, clothes, food, music and movies. This desi-ness gives me a cultural identity, while my upbringing makes me a good human being.

Hell, I’m proud of my desi upbringing. Question is – can you deal with it? If not, it is a problem with YOUR upbringing, not mine!